Grandma..

Since like its yesterday since you're gone. If only I know what I know today. I would hold
you in my arms, I'll take away your pain. Thank you for all you've done. There's nothing
I can do, to hear your voice again. Sometimes, I want to call you, but I know you wouldnt
be there. Im sorry for everything that I've done, I blame myself. Its so hard to even say a
goodbye. Would you tell me I was wrong, are you proud to have me as one of your grand-
children? I will do anything just to have one more chance, to look into your eyes, and yours
into mine. If I could see you one more day, I will tell you how much I miss you since you
were gone. Your heart is always with me.

When you've to look away, when you dont have much to say,
Thats when I love you, I love you just that way.
To hear you stumble when you speak, to see you when you walk,
Thats when I love you, I love you endlessly.
When you're mad be cos we dont listen,
Thats when I love you, I love you anyway.
When you talk to us about the drama you love,
Thats when I love you, I love you more than you know.
The more I learnt, the more I lost, the more my heart cant give enough,
Thats when I love you, I love you no matter what.
When you turn to hide your eyes becos you know you cant make it far,
Thats when I love you, I love you a little more each time.

Grandma, I cant forget you, I miss you, and there's nothing you can change my mine.
I cant say goodbye to you. Be cos I want to see you more each day..

6th April, the day I will never forget at all.

Tomorrow will be 6th Jan 2010. And its the day grandma has been away for 9 months.
6 april, 4 days after my birthday, i receive a very bad present. A present that I will never forget and give away. She pass away on that very day. I want to know how my grandma would me. Will i be happy just to see her for 1 min? I dont think so. Im a very greedy person. I want to see her forever. 1 min is NEVER enough for me. Or should I say for us, the whole TAN family?

9 months..yet I remeber all the things clearly in my mind. Not a single thing missed!

Should I say Im very lucky? Be cos I have my parents with me, be cos I have him, be cos I have everyone to care for. I must always tell myself that grandma is no longer with us, we can no longer see her. She is with THE LORD. She is happy there. She is no longer suffering. She is with grandpa.

Drained..

This week has been a bitch week for me! I have 4 tests in a freaking week. And I can barely breath. Today is only wed, and I have 1 more paper to go on fri. How bitch can this be.
I merly slept only 5hrs each day. I dragged myself out to bed every morning. How I wish there is total of 32 hours in a day. 24 hours at night, and 8 hours in the morning. I have been studing like a mad dog, and sleeping like a pig. What can I say? Studying is really not my cup of tea!!

I couldnt wait for my sch 2 weeks break. Though is 2 weeks, but so what. I got to rest, and i couldnt ask for anything more.

I couldnt wait for this weekend, my family gathering, CHALET!! But what can I say, the following Monday I have a test AGAIN! I bad can studying be? Ask me! :)

Have shift back to my house. Things are still left undone. Rooms' cupboard, kitchen cupboard, feature wall, tv console. Shit you, Alan Leow! For such a slow work.

Mom sprain her back while shifting the stuffs back. Dear Lord, please bless mommy to recover faster. Please give her the wisdom to do all things successfully. I love you, dear mom!

4 more months is already a yr since grandma is gone. Its seems like yesterday. Those who had encounter this type of things should know. Its going to be 2010, a new yr without grandma. I must say that our 3 tan family is very brave. We held each other tight, console each other. We know that things have been better of us. Everyone's heart really have a place for grandma. I realise the feeling of missing grandma has become numb. Not in the way that I dont miss her but in a way that when I miss her, that very day will keep appearing in my mind. I rember that day, when its my turn to stroke grandma's forehead..I keep telling grandma "ah ma pls dont go. pls ah ma. give us miricle" I still ask sister to ask the doctor when wil grandma be awake when I know it wont. Ha! What a fool I am. But my words still fail, grandma still pass away. The lord has bring her to a wonderful place where we can no longer see her..

Be cos of you, I have been a whole. Thank you for standing by me. Thank you for enduring my temper =)

God's Will

Sometimes...I jus feel that God is making a fool outta me. I feel good and bad at the same time. Last Sat, went to pray Grandma. Oh man! I miss her so much yet the feeling went numb. Jus be cos, I want to see her so much yet I know its the impossible. Nothing feels right for me whenever i miss grandma. Everything just flashback and i wish so much that time would stop at that moment of time. I feel totally regret how badly i treated her, or i should say i didnt really treasure her. Who knows..that god took her life so early.

Everytime I tried to forget all this memories, it jus stay deep inside my heart. I jus have to find a time and a place to bury all these memories. I love her, and I always will. Whatever I do, i know she stood by me. She gave me everything that i ever wanted. She looked after me like no one have ever does. She was beside me, when everyone stood away. This is how good my grandma is. I will never forget the feeling when I held ur hands walking u to the lift, find ur specs, give u fruits that i specially cut for u, tell mommy to bring u out to eat, dont allow u to sleep my bed.
Ah ma, I regret. Pls forgive me =)

Dream

EVERYBODY! This is how the dream comes by:

There was a meeting at Uncle's house. Eveyone was there including grandma. She was sitting at her rocking chair. I could see how beautifully she wore, and I could see the make up on her face.
She was talking to everyone of us using her language. She says "How are you all? I miss you all so much. If possible this weekend come and visit me. When u all have arrive, pls call out for me so i know u all have come. For the adults jus bring food. I want to eat pa ming, and fa gao. Children bring fruits. Dont burn anymore things for me. Be cos i have too much." Than she disappear in my dream. All of this things jus happen so quickly.

Why mus she go so quickly. I mis you!

Success

Sat wedding was a successful. Have lots of photo & FUN! But most of us cried when LQ's give her speech. Be cos we hated so much that grandma cant attend the wedding.

Started to stay at our new place be cos house is on reovation starting from today.

Dear Lord,
Pls bless the renovation is a success. Pls give our family wisdom and guide us through this tough jourey. Lord, I want to give my praise to u. Thank you Lord for guiding us through the last few months and even now. Bless us to hav a wonderful road ahead once the renovation is done.
Amen

Rest

Today I slept quite alot. Reason be cos Im sick. Had a bad flu, sore throat. George is also sick. Sore throat and flu. I think I ate too much durians that day. I finish it all by myself. Hohoho...!!

Tomo will be sifting house. Dad's will be bringing 2 of his workers tomo to our place to help us shift house. But the worst thing is, we will be shifting all the stuffs from East side to West side be cos my uncle's factory will be at TUAS!!! Wahahahah!!

Miss Grandma.

Thoughts, Moments.

Today working from 8am-6pm cos Im not running any machine. But if Im running a machine will be working form 8am-8pm, like yesterday. Had sorting of parts today basically for 9 hours. During that 9 hours, memories of grandma came to my mind again. I just simply could not believe it how our 3 families could take the pain/sadness.

Today, is her birthday. I long to wish her happy birthday yet I didnt did it when she's here. When she's here, I didnt even bothered to even look at her when she is with us, but I know her presence. Till today, I didnt have a chance to say to her "Ah ma, Happy birthday!" Our family went to pray grandma on Sunday. A little becos Mommy dreamt about Ah ma. Ah ma was telling mommy that she miss eating "Fa Gau & Gua." Mommy went to buy for Ah ma the 2 after we move some of our things to uncle's factory. She walk the entire market to get Ah ma her food. We went to pray, upon seeing ah ma's photo, tears startes to roll in my eyes. In my heart I say "Ah ma we bought u ur food. Enjoy your food. How r u? R u fine? R u enjoying urself? Lastly happy birthday ah ma!" Im really very sad though it has pass 5 months. Its like only yesterday. Everything jus pass so quickly. I hate to stop missing her but I cant. I have yet to dream of Ah ma. Almost everyone had. I know one day will be my turn cos Ah ma will enter everyone's dream slowly.

This coming Sunday, moving of almost everything to uncle's factory. Renovating soon. Found a place to stay. Not convenient. But what can I do. Jus endure for 1.5 months.

You never know how much I love you. You never know how much I miss you. You never know how guilty I am now when I didnt cherish u in the past. You never know how much I wish to dream of u. You never know how much I wish I could turn back the time when u were here, and not fighting our ur beloved rocking chair. You never know how much I wish to see u now. You never know I will never forget you. You never know all this happy memories will stay in my heart.

I love you, Ah ma!!! I love you, Ah ma!!!
Happy Birthday, Ah ma!!! Happy Birthday, Ah ma!!!

Result...

Today is the day when I got my results for my Year 2 Sem 1. Was quite satisfied.

Wed jus came back with george from oversea. Did enjoy myself, went mountain climbing, tasting of food, and shopping. Didnt really spent lots of money be cos mostly George's Sis paid for us.

Shifting house during mid oct as our house will be renovating for a month plus. Will have a beatiful house by than be cos mommy allow me to choose the decoration in my room like cupboad, wall color etc. This renovation cost quite a bomb. And the place we are shifting to is not convenient for me, younger sis, and george to go to work and sch.

Ytd went to see tiles and home stuffs like toilet bowl, sink, water tap, water heater etc. Place deposit already. Cost a bomb too.

Our house has lots of boxes piling high up. Jus be cos we need to shift. Luckily Dad's uncle have a place for us to put our stuffs (:

Beloved granny has gone for quite a long time. But whenever I thought of her there will be tears in my eye. I miss her so much. She has yet to come to my dream. She has enter to LeeQin, ZhengXin, XJ dreams but not mine. How has she been? Is she good? Does she need anymore notes from us? Is she enjoying herself? This is all the question mark that has been floating inside my head for a long time.

LeeQin wedding we will not be seeing granny. This is what saddens us alot. I couldnt jus believe how our 3 families could endure all this. We take a step at a time to put all this memories in our heart. As for Jonas and Jovan, they will understand when they grew up. Ah ma, I love you always.

LQ's wedding

Got a call from LF jie jie about the plan during LQ's jie jie wedding. Morning to uncle's house, than to the church, go back to uncle's house to pray grandma.

The wedding dinner at night, grandma wouldnt be there. Its a loss. I remember vivdly durnig ZX's gor gor wedding, grandma's smile on her face. She was so happy. But today, she will not be there. Though she will stay forever in our heart, but the sight of her since like yesterday.

I could not forget the time she was in hospital.
I could not forget the time she came to our house to stay.
I could not forget the time she came and we bought her out to eat.
I could not forget the time she leaves the best food for us.
I could not forget the time i use to snatch her rocking chair, & she just allow me to sit.
I could not forget the time when she call my name during CNY to give me red packet.
I could not forget the time when she ask me where is her spec.
I could not forget the time when I held her hands walk her to the lift.
I could not forget the time when she comb her hair using her favourite blue gel.

I just could not forget the time I used to spent with her.
Why are u gone? I keep questioning myself.

6th Aug

Today 31st July, end of the month. 6 more days, is grandma 4th month death annivesary. Days passed so quickly, its just like yesterday since grandma is gone. I really really really miss her so much. Nothing can describe the love and misses in my heart. I miss her more than words describe. I miss her more than yesterday. I miss her more than anything else in the world.

Mid-Aug having family gathering dinner or lunch is yet to decide. I believe Grandma will be with us.

Going Miri (Malaysia) at Sep 16!
YUPPEI!!

Lord, my Jesus

Dear Lord,

I thank you for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so tha t I can hear from You.Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.

Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God. And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who will delete this without sharing it w ith others. I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households.

I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly..

This is my prayer.In Jesus' Name, Amen.

100days

100 days is over. Granny has been away with us for 100 days. Sometimes, I jus could not help but ask why. Why is she gone? Yes, though she is healthy..but.. A few times in a week, my ears will stay to hear strange things. I will hear that day when I am in the hospital the sound of grandma breathing. Its not really grandma's breathing. But it is the machine that helps her breathe. I could still remember she breathe so long in the hospital. Which make us think that she is sleeping very soundly.

Exams coming and over. I had 2 strange dreams in a week. I dont know what is that suppose to mean. But I dont care. This coming saturday we are going to the temple in bishan to pray for grandma. I miss her so much. Sometimes, I jus wish I could see those kinds of things. So that I can know if grandma is with us.

外婆，我好想你。你在哪里？

3months.

Today is the 9th of July. And it has been 3 months since grandma passed away.
Today while on the way to school, everything seems to flash back in my mind. And btw, it tooks 1 and a half hour for me to reach sch. While sitting on bus 89, I think of the times when grandma was around. It just seems like its yesterday. I remember the last time our whole family went out with grandma is to changi village. We went for fishing with grandma. Its the first time grandma went with us, and from the look of the face, i know she is very happy. In that flashback, i can see her walking slowly helding mommy's hand slowly walking towards our direction. She is really one of my favourite person in my heart. She is 90 this year, and I knew I can never go to this kind of places with her anymore.

This coming sunday, our whole family will be doing volunteery work. We used part of grandma's money that she had leave for us to buy ALOT of things for the old folks. Eg: Quaker oat, milo, rice, detergent, brush etc.. Its also like our family gathering.

This few days exams, test, presentation coming up. Im so damn shagged. Be cos this is the impt time that i am going to YEAR 2 SEM 2. Ahhhh! How I wish time will pass quickly to the day that i can wear that black sqaure hat, and take the rubbish paper.

I miss you, be cos loving u is beyond my hope. GRANDMA =D

Success

BBQ on Sunday at pasir ris park was a success. Celebrating Father's Day, and yet i forget its Father's Day.

Remembering the time when we celebrate Mother's Day. But not for this year, be cos it still hurt us further more. I could remember the time when we celebrate mother's day. We will go places to eat with grandma. But now this could never happen again. Till now, i couldnt let it go.

I was thinking, year 2010, for chinese new year, grandma wouldnt be there. And this hurts me. I spend the last 19years of CNY together with the family and grandma. How could I ever forget the times with grandma, when I try to snatch her rocking chair to sit. And my mother would shout for me to let grandma sit. But grandma would say, never mind let her sit, I sit other place.
This is how good my grandma is.....

BBQ on Sunday.

Its my term break now, but to me it seems like project/study week. Been meeting my friends for project for the past few days. Staring at the laptop screen with numerious coding, chit chating, laughing here and there with them.

This coming sunday is our family gathering cum father's day celebration with our relatives. We will be having BBQ at pasir ris park. But the thought of grandma wont be there somehow makes me down. She will never be able to go to this kind of gathering in the future. Never. I just couldnt forget the Sat day at the hospital. That image remains in my mind till now. Seeing grandma poke with so much tube. Seeing grandma using the oxygen for survival. And so much for what she has done for us, now she is gone..and its forever.

I wonder so much, how is grandma doing upstairs. She has yet to appear in my dream. In sch, I always imagine that grandma is watching me, beside me, taking care of me. Is this for real? Or this is only part of my imagination.

I miss grandma's voice. I miss grandma's spectacles. I miss grandma's naggy. I miss grandma's smooth hands. I miss grandma's coming to our home to stay. I miss grandma's favourite hair gel. I miss grandma's brown slipper. I miss grandma's old fashion shirt. I miss grandma's walking here and there in our place. I miss grandma's sitting at the front sit of our car. I miss grandma's fluffy dyed white hair. I miss her so much.

But all this I cant see anymore..

Long week

Its been a really long week for me. Projects, exams all coming at one time. Was really thinking if I can just give up like that. Life has been ok lately but when I think of my beloved ah ma, I still couldnt take it.

It seems so impossible to let go of it. Somehow, I just cant do it. Probably be cos she has been so close to me. And be cos I treasure her so much that I couldnt think of any reason to forget her.
Its been 2 months plus my beloved ah ma is gone. I miss her quite badly. I kept thinking of the time I spent with her. I just hope I have more time to spent with her. But, this seems to be impossible.

She treat me good, but what I give her in return?
She gives me the best, but what I give her in return?
She scold me for my own good, but what I give her in return?
She reserve the best for me, but what I give her in return?
She helps me when Im in need, but what I give her in return?

How could I forget her, when she lives in my life for the past 18 years?
How could I forget her, when she comes to our house fornightly?
How could I forget her, when she used to sleep in my room?
How could I forget her, when she always nag at us for our own good?
How could I forget her, when she just wanted us to pay more attention to her?
How could I forget her, when she is willing to give us her favourite food.
How could I forget her, when I used to hold her hands walking to the lift?
How could I forget her, when she ask me to listen to my mom?
How could I forget her, when she ask me when she has put her specs?

How could I ever forget her when she did all this to my life?

Its so much impossible to believe that I cant do anything more in the future.
I promise to treat my mom and dad better in the future. I just have to change this temper of mine.

Till now, I still haven dream of my beloved ah ma. I will forsee this day.
Your love I will never forget (:

In my heart...you'll be.

The moment I start blogging, question came to my mind.. Why am i blogging? Why am i telling others about my feeling? Why am i still thinking about the past? The answer to all that questions were, I want to let go..I really want to.

Its been weeks, busy week for me. Exams, tests, quizes. All of those were driving me crazy. I took sometime thinking of my beloved ah ma. I remembered the time when my cousin, adeline called that very day. Something was very amiss that morning. I was awake before the call came. It seems to be like Im waiting for something. Normally, I will sleep like a pig. But that day was different.. I lay on my bed, eyes half open, suddenly my house phone ring. My cousin, adeline " XiaoQi, XiaoJun?" "Im XiaoQi." I replied. She sounds anxious. "Come to the hospital, ah ma is uncousious. Quick! We are going to the ICU!" I started crying even though I didnt know how is ah ma's condition. I wake everybody up. I knew my mom will be very sad when she heard ah ma is unconsious. Dad and mom head down to the hospital first. Than me, george and sis head down. We rushed like mad.

When we went to the ICU, after the doctor spoken to us. We knew everything will be over very soon. But yet, I still pray for miricle when I knew it wouldnt come through. I pray "dear lord, dont take ah ma away. Pls. Give her more years to go. Give us more time to cherish her, spent time with her." I really regreted going home that night. I couldnt spent the last few hours with ah ma. I know Be cos Im tired, I head home, without thinking ah ma will go that time. Im selfish.
Not expecting the call next morning. Sis ran to me room, "Qi, ah ma passed away." I couldnt help, I cried. We head to the hospital very soon.

Thinking of all this that happens, tears started to roll from my eyes. Question keep coming to me: Where is ah ma. Is ah ma happy now? Is ah ma with ah gong? I was so close with my ah ma. All this that happens really makes me weak. 49days of vegetarian. I dont mind at all, be cos I know Im doing all this for my ah ma. I want my ah ma to be good upstairs.

Another thing that grieves me was my grandma (dad's side) She is in SGH currently. Her condition became worst as she needs the oxygen tank becos of her weak lungs. She is on drip now. She cant eat. And it hurts me. She can eat a few weeks back but now..
Dear lord, pls dont let the let us receive any phone call at the the wee hours.
I know my grandma dotes on my cousin more, be cos he is a guy. And older people have a mindset that son is better than girls. I dont blame her. Be cos I love her so much. And I dont want to lose her now. Please.

Visiting grandma tomo. Hope is will be fine after seeing all her grandchildren there (:

Remembering..

Dazing in my room, I remember the time when my beloved ah ma pass away. I forgot which day it was, its either 3rd or 4th day. I dial on the telephone, calling one of my beloved ah ma favourite food, Pizza. I called for a delivery to my beloved ah ma;s wake. Its a vegetarian pizza. That time, it really saddens me alot. Reason becos when she was around, i never bought any food for her. And I couldnt believe she pass away than I reliased it was the first time I bought her food. It was when the monk asked me to give ah ma the food, I started to cry. I heart aches so much, when I say "ah ma, I bought u one of the favourite food. Pizza. Pls help urself." Everyone console me telling me not to cry, as ah ma knows Im good to her.

My beloved ah ma, always give the very best to all of us. She treats her children and grandchildren very well. I remember when we always wants to bring ah ma to our house to overnight during the weekend, she cant sleep the night before as she is very happy. The very next day, she will walk at the corridor to and fro waiting for us to pick her up. This is how happy my ah ma is (:

Till today, it somehow makes me feel I didnt do my part as her grandchildren. I totally regret what I did in the past and Im trying to cherish everyone beside me now. Be it my friends, relatives, cousin, parents or somehow very close to me.

I want to thank that very person who is with me always during my darkest hours. He never fails to be there for me, never fails to make me smile, never fails to held my hands and say everything is alrite. The very first minute I knew ah ma was gone, he will tell me "do u want me to take half day leave, or even a day?" He waits patiently for my call at home, even the sky turns dark. He never fails to come to find me after his work. When I cried bitterly asking ah ma to come back, he hug me dearly and tells me "ah ma has gone to a happier place." Spending long hours in the hospital, he never fails to complain a single. That very person is george. He tresure and cherish me. And this is how dear he is to me. Thank you for all u have given me (:

Lastly, I hope my ah ma is happier. And I really wish I could dream of u, to tell me how happy u are (: I love u so much ah ma (: You live in my heart (:

Piling up

This is the first time i choose to blog, partly becos i want to pin down all my thoughts. And be cos I couldnt let it go, that easily. Its been almost 2months since my beloved ah ma pass away. To be exact it is 388days.

Having projects and exams piling up, the thought of my beloved ah ma makes me cool down. I have been so guilty all this while, be cos when ever my beloved ah ma come to our house, i will be reluctant to let her sleep in my room. A little be cos i will not be confortable to sleep in other people's bed. Yes, i admit, i may not be a good grandchild. Whenever she comes over to visit us, i will give her the best food we have in the house to let her consume. She will insist not to eat and let us eat, and i tend to shout to her "Ah ma, eat! We have our food. You eat yours." Im so sorry ah ma to shout to u in the past. Thought it maybe late to say all this now..but I know my beloved ah ma will know what i want to say to her.

This few days, i missed her extra much. I cried silently in the dark, saying, "why must u go". I couldnt see my beloved ahma for the last time and this really dishearted me. I didnt get the chance to speack to her at all. I really wish i could dream of my beloved ah ma when Im asleep. I wish to tell her how much I miss you. And tell her millions and millions of thank you for bringing me up and giving her the best to us.

You all just couldnt believe how this heart of mine keeps telling me "Your ah ma is gone forever". I feel so hurt, not be cos I didnt treat her well but hurt be cos I didnt spent much time with her be cos of my busy days in school. Flash back keeps coming back to me during the 5days of funeral. How the people close the coffine, how we see ah ma for the very last time. I could see all my relatives being so sad. My mom, dad, cousins all.

We just couldnt believe all this could happen so soon. I know I have to let it go someday.
But still ah ma, I miss you so much. And I love u so much so much! (: