The moment I start blogging, question came to my mind.. Why am i blogging? Why am i telling others about my feeling? Why am i still thinking about the past? The answer to all that questions were, I want to let go..I really want to.
Its been weeks, busy week for me. Exams, tests, quizes. All of those were driving me crazy. I took sometime thinking of my beloved ah ma. I remembered the time when my cousin, adeline called that very day. Something was very amiss that morning. I was awake before the call came. It seems to be like Im waiting for something. Normally, I will sleep like a pig. But that day was different.. I lay on my bed, eyes half open, suddenly my house phone ring. My cousin, adeline " XiaoQi, XiaoJun?" "Im XiaoQi." I replied. She sounds anxious. "Come to the hospital, ah ma is uncousious. Quick! We are going to the ICU!" I started crying even though I didnt know how is ah ma's condition. I wake everybody up. I knew my mom will be very sad when she heard ah ma is unconsious. Dad and mom head down to the hospital first. Than me, george and sis head down. We rushed like mad.
When we went to the ICU, after the doctor spoken to us. We knew everything will be over very soon. But yet, I still pray for miricle when I knew it wouldnt come through. I pray "dear lord, dont take ah ma away. Pls. Give her more years to go. Give us more time to cherish her, spent time with her." I really regreted going home that night. I couldnt spent the last few hours with ah ma. I know Be cos Im tired, I head home, without thinking ah ma will go that time. Im selfish.
Not expecting the call next morning. Sis ran to me room, "Qi, ah ma passed away." I couldnt help, I cried. We head to the hospital very soon.
Thinking of all this that happens, tears started to roll from my eyes. Question keep coming to me: Where is ah ma. Is ah ma happy now? Is ah ma with ah gong? I was so close with my ah ma. All this that happens really makes me weak. 49days of vegetarian. I dont mind at all, be cos I know Im doing all this for my ah ma. I want my ah ma to be good upstairs.
Another thing that grieves me was my grandma (dad's side) She is in SGH currently. Her condition became worst as she needs the oxygen tank becos of her weak lungs. She is on drip now. She cant eat. And it hurts me. She can eat a few weeks back but now..
Dear lord, pls dont let the let us receive any phone call at the the wee hours.
I know my grandma dotes on my cousin more, be cos he is a guy. And older people have a mindset that son is better than girls. I dont blame her. Be cos I love her so much. And I dont want to lose her now. Please.
Visiting grandma tomo. Hope is will be fine after seeing all her grandchildren there (:
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