BBQ on Sunday at pasir ris park was a success. Celebrating Father's Day, and yet i forget its Father's Day.
Remembering the time when we celebrate Mother's Day. But not for this year, be cos it still hurt us further more. I could remember the time when we celebrate mother's day. We will go places to eat with grandma. But now this could never happen again. Till now, i couldnt let it go.
I was thinking, year 2010, for chinese new year, grandma wouldnt be there. And this hurts me. I spend the last 19years of CNY together with the family and grandma. How could I ever forget the times with grandma, when I try to snatch her rocking chair to sit. And my mother would shout for me to let grandma sit. But grandma would say, never mind let her sit, I sit other place.
This is how good my grandma is.....
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
BBQ on Sunday.
Its my term break now, but to me it seems like project/study week. Been meeting my friends for project for the past few days. Staring at the laptop screen with numerious coding, chit chating, laughing here and there with them.
This coming sunday is our family gathering cum father's day celebration with our relatives. We will be having BBQ at pasir ris park. But the thought of grandma wont be there somehow makes me down. She will never be able to go to this kind of gathering in the future. Never. I just couldnt forget the Sat day at the hospital. That image remains in my mind till now. Seeing grandma poke with so much tube. Seeing grandma using the oxygen for survival. And so much for what she has done for us, now she is gone..and its forever.
I wonder so much, how is grandma doing upstairs. She has yet to appear in my dream. In sch, I always imagine that grandma is watching me, beside me, taking care of me. Is this for real? Or this is only part of my imagination.
I miss grandma's voice. I miss grandma's spectacles. I miss grandma's naggy. I miss grandma's smooth hands. I miss grandma's coming to our home to stay. I miss grandma's favourite hair gel. I miss grandma's brown slipper. I miss grandma's old fashion shirt. I miss grandma's walking here and there in our place. I miss grandma's sitting at the front sit of our car. I miss grandma's fluffy dyed white hair. I miss her so much.
But all this I cant see anymore..
This coming sunday is our family gathering cum father's day celebration with our relatives. We will be having BBQ at pasir ris park. But the thought of grandma wont be there somehow makes me down. She will never be able to go to this kind of gathering in the future. Never. I just couldnt forget the Sat day at the hospital. That image remains in my mind till now. Seeing grandma poke with so much tube. Seeing grandma using the oxygen for survival. And so much for what she has done for us, now she is gone..and its forever.
I wonder so much, how is grandma doing upstairs. She has yet to appear in my dream. In sch, I always imagine that grandma is watching me, beside me, taking care of me. Is this for real? Or this is only part of my imagination.
I miss grandma's voice. I miss grandma's spectacles. I miss grandma's naggy. I miss grandma's smooth hands. I miss grandma's coming to our home to stay. I miss grandma's favourite hair gel. I miss grandma's brown slipper. I miss grandma's old fashion shirt. I miss grandma's walking here and there in our place. I miss grandma's sitting at the front sit of our car. I miss grandma's fluffy dyed white hair. I miss her so much.
But all this I cant see anymore..
Friday, June 12, 2009
Long week
Its been a really long week for me. Projects, exams all coming at one time. Was really thinking if I can just give up like that. Life has been ok lately but when I think of my beloved ah ma, I still couldnt take it.
It seems so impossible to let go of it. Somehow, I just cant do it. Probably be cos she has been so close to me. And be cos I treasure her so much that I couldnt think of any reason to forget her.
Its been 2 months plus my beloved ah ma is gone. I miss her quite badly. I kept thinking of the time I spent with her. I just hope I have more time to spent with her. But, this seems to be impossible.
She treat me good, but what I give her in return?
She gives me the best, but what I give her in return?
She scold me for my own good, but what I give her in return?
She reserve the best for me, but what I give her in return?
She helps me when Im in need, but what I give her in return?
How could I forget her, when she lives in my life for the past 18 years?
How could I forget her, when she comes to our house fornightly?
How could I forget her, when she used to sleep in my room?
How could I forget her, when she always nag at us for our own good?
How could I forget her, when she just wanted us to pay more attention to her?
How could I forget her, when she is willing to give us her favourite food.
How could I forget her, when I used to hold her hands walking to the lift?
How could I forget her, when she ask me to listen to my mom?
How could I forget her, when she ask me when she has put her specs?
How could I ever forget her when she did all this to my life?
Its so much impossible to believe that I cant do anything more in the future.
I promise to treat my mom and dad better in the future. I just have to change this temper of mine.
Till now, I still haven dream of my beloved ah ma. I will forsee this day.
Your love I will never forget (:
It seems so impossible to let go of it. Somehow, I just cant do it. Probably be cos she has been so close to me. And be cos I treasure her so much that I couldnt think of any reason to forget her.
Its been 2 months plus my beloved ah ma is gone. I miss her quite badly. I kept thinking of the time I spent with her. I just hope I have more time to spent with her. But, this seems to be impossible.
She treat me good, but what I give her in return?
She gives me the best, but what I give her in return?
She scold me for my own good, but what I give her in return?
She reserve the best for me, but what I give her in return?
She helps me when Im in need, but what I give her in return?
How could I forget her, when she lives in my life for the past 18 years?
How could I forget her, when she comes to our house fornightly?
How could I forget her, when she used to sleep in my room?
How could I forget her, when she always nag at us for our own good?
How could I forget her, when she just wanted us to pay more attention to her?
How could I forget her, when she is willing to give us her favourite food.
How could I forget her, when I used to hold her hands walking to the lift?
How could I forget her, when she ask me to listen to my mom?
How could I forget her, when she ask me when she has put her specs?
How could I ever forget her when she did all this to my life?
Its so much impossible to believe that I cant do anything more in the future.
I promise to treat my mom and dad better in the future. I just have to change this temper of mine.
Till now, I still haven dream of my beloved ah ma. I will forsee this day.
Your love I will never forget (:
Friday, June 5, 2009
In my heart...you'll be.
The moment I start blogging, question came to my mind.. Why am i blogging? Why am i telling others about my feeling? Why am i still thinking about the past? The answer to all that questions were, I want to let go..I really want to.
Its been weeks, busy week for me. Exams, tests, quizes. All of those were driving me crazy. I took sometime thinking of my beloved ah ma. I remembered the time when my cousin, adeline called that very day. Something was very amiss that morning. I was awake before the call came. It seems to be like Im waiting for something. Normally, I will sleep like a pig. But that day was different.. I lay on my bed, eyes half open, suddenly my house phone ring. My cousin, adeline " XiaoQi, XiaoJun?" "Im XiaoQi." I replied. She sounds anxious. "Come to the hospital, ah ma is uncousious. Quick! We are going to the ICU!" I started crying even though I didnt know how is ah ma's condition. I wake everybody up. I knew my mom will be very sad when she heard ah ma is unconsious. Dad and mom head down to the hospital first. Than me, george and sis head down. We rushed like mad.
When we went to the ICU, after the doctor spoken to us. We knew everything will be over very soon. But yet, I still pray for miricle when I knew it wouldnt come through. I pray "dear lord, dont take ah ma away. Pls. Give her more years to go. Give us more time to cherish her, spent time with her." I really regreted going home that night. I couldnt spent the last few hours with ah ma. I know Be cos Im tired, I head home, without thinking ah ma will go that time. Im selfish.
Not expecting the call next morning. Sis ran to me room, "Qi, ah ma passed away." I couldnt help, I cried. We head to the hospital very soon.
Thinking of all this that happens, tears started to roll from my eyes. Question keep coming to me: Where is ah ma. Is ah ma happy now? Is ah ma with ah gong? I was so close with my ah ma. All this that happens really makes me weak. 49days of vegetarian. I dont mind at all, be cos I know Im doing all this for my ah ma. I want my ah ma to be good upstairs.
Another thing that grieves me was my grandma (dad's side) She is in SGH currently. Her condition became worst as she needs the oxygen tank becos of her weak lungs. She is on drip now. She cant eat. And it hurts me. She can eat a few weeks back but now..
Dear lord, pls dont let the let us receive any phone call at the the wee hours.
I know my grandma dotes on my cousin more, be cos he is a guy. And older people have a mindset that son is better than girls. I dont blame her. Be cos I love her so much. And I dont want to lose her now. Please.
Visiting grandma tomo. Hope is will be fine after seeing all her grandchildren there (:
Its been weeks, busy week for me. Exams, tests, quizes. All of those were driving me crazy. I took sometime thinking of my beloved ah ma. I remembered the time when my cousin, adeline called that very day. Something was very amiss that morning. I was awake before the call came. It seems to be like Im waiting for something. Normally, I will sleep like a pig. But that day was different.. I lay on my bed, eyes half open, suddenly my house phone ring. My cousin, adeline " XiaoQi, XiaoJun?" "Im XiaoQi." I replied. She sounds anxious. "Come to the hospital, ah ma is uncousious. Quick! We are going to the ICU!" I started crying even though I didnt know how is ah ma's condition. I wake everybody up. I knew my mom will be very sad when she heard ah ma is unconsious. Dad and mom head down to the hospital first. Than me, george and sis head down. We rushed like mad.
When we went to the ICU, after the doctor spoken to us. We knew everything will be over very soon. But yet, I still pray for miricle when I knew it wouldnt come through. I pray "dear lord, dont take ah ma away. Pls. Give her more years to go. Give us more time to cherish her, spent time with her." I really regreted going home that night. I couldnt spent the last few hours with ah ma. I know Be cos Im tired, I head home, without thinking ah ma will go that time. Im selfish.
Not expecting the call next morning. Sis ran to me room, "Qi, ah ma passed away." I couldnt help, I cried. We head to the hospital very soon.
Thinking of all this that happens, tears started to roll from my eyes. Question keep coming to me: Where is ah ma. Is ah ma happy now? Is ah ma with ah gong? I was so close with my ah ma. All this that happens really makes me weak. 49days of vegetarian. I dont mind at all, be cos I know Im doing all this for my ah ma. I want my ah ma to be good upstairs.
Another thing that grieves me was my grandma (dad's side) She is in SGH currently. Her condition became worst as she needs the oxygen tank becos of her weak lungs. She is on drip now. She cant eat. And it hurts me. She can eat a few weeks back but now..
Dear lord, pls dont let the let us receive any phone call at the the wee hours.
I know my grandma dotes on my cousin more, be cos he is a guy. And older people have a mindset that son is better than girls. I dont blame her. Be cos I love her so much. And I dont want to lose her now. Please.
Visiting grandma tomo. Hope is will be fine after seeing all her grandchildren there (:
Monday, June 1, 2009
Remembering..
Dazing in my room, I remember the time when my beloved ah ma pass away. I forgot which day it was, its either 3rd or 4th day. I dial on the telephone, calling one of my beloved ah ma favourite food, Pizza. I called for a delivery to my beloved ah ma;s wake. Its a vegetarian pizza. That time, it really saddens me alot. Reason becos when she was around, i never bought any food for her. And I couldnt believe she pass away than I reliased it was the first time I bought her food. It was when the monk asked me to give ah ma the food, I started to cry. I heart aches so much, when I say "ah ma, I bought u one of the favourite food. Pizza. Pls help urself." Everyone console me telling me not to cry, as ah ma knows Im good to her.
My beloved ah ma, always give the very best to all of us. She treats her children and grandchildren very well. I remember when we always wants to bring ah ma to our house to overnight during the weekend, she cant sleep the night before as she is very happy. The very next day, she will walk at the corridor to and fro waiting for us to pick her up. This is how happy my ah ma is (:
Till today, it somehow makes me feel I didnt do my part as her grandchildren. I totally regret what I did in the past and Im trying to cherish everyone beside me now. Be it my friends, relatives, cousin, parents or somehow very close to me.
I want to thank that very person who is with me always during my darkest hours. He never fails to be there for me, never fails to make me smile, never fails to held my hands and say everything is alrite. The very first minute I knew ah ma was gone, he will tell me "do u want me to take half day leave, or even a day?" He waits patiently for my call at home, even the sky turns dark. He never fails to come to find me after his work. When I cried bitterly asking ah ma to come back, he hug me dearly and tells me "ah ma has gone to a happier place." Spending long hours in the hospital, he never fails to complain a single. That very person is george. He tresure and cherish me. And this is how dear he is to me. Thank you for all u have given me (:
Lastly, I hope my ah ma is happier. And I really wish I could dream of u, to tell me how happy u are (: I love u so much ah ma (: You live in my heart (:
My beloved ah ma, always give the very best to all of us. She treats her children and grandchildren very well. I remember when we always wants to bring ah ma to our house to overnight during the weekend, she cant sleep the night before as she is very happy. The very next day, she will walk at the corridor to and fro waiting for us to pick her up. This is how happy my ah ma is (:
Till today, it somehow makes me feel I didnt do my part as her grandchildren. I totally regret what I did in the past and Im trying to cherish everyone beside me now. Be it my friends, relatives, cousin, parents or somehow very close to me.
I want to thank that very person who is with me always during my darkest hours. He never fails to be there for me, never fails to make me smile, never fails to held my hands and say everything is alrite. The very first minute I knew ah ma was gone, he will tell me "do u want me to take half day leave, or even a day?" He waits patiently for my call at home, even the sky turns dark. He never fails to come to find me after his work. When I cried bitterly asking ah ma to come back, he hug me dearly and tells me "ah ma has gone to a happier place." Spending long hours in the hospital, he never fails to complain a single. That very person is george. He tresure and cherish me. And this is how dear he is to me. Thank you for all u have given me (:
Lastly, I hope my ah ma is happier. And I really wish I could dream of u, to tell me how happy u are (: I love u so much ah ma (: You live in my heart (:
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