Shagged?

Dear blog,

I have started my school while some of my classmates are still having ur holidays. Be cos
I started my final year project first! (FYP) So shitty. Monday-Thurs: 830am-6pm.
Fri: 830am-530pm. Im seeing the freaking computer for more than 8 hours PER DAY! Its
only 4 days since the start of school, and Im already counting down the weeks. After 3 months of
FYP, Im going to have 3 months of attachment. I wonder what company I will be attached to.
Shit! Hmm, Sat is coming. Im SO looking forward to it. Cos Im SHITTY tired! (:

Im having dinner with george tonight, cos home is not cooking as parents is going to younger
sister school for parents meeting session. WTH?!

Well, yesterday mommy was searching her cupboard for dont know what thing, when she took out a file from her messy cupboard. The file contains GRANDMA (Mom's Mother) picture with all grandma's funeral stuffs inside. Mommy look at her picture for a very long time. I know for that moment of time, she is VERY VERY UPSET and I know she MISS HER VERY VERY MUCH. Well, what can i say? I cant change the fact that she is gone. I still have flashback whenever we have gathering with her around.

I FREAKING MISS GRANDMA! ):

Its been a while...

Ok, let me settle down to blog...

Today have to hand up my school SACP Project, and I really have to push all my team mates. They have bloody waste my time.

Chinese New Year its coming. I dont know its a joyful or upset occassion for us. Joyful because its CHINESE NEW YEAR! Upset because both is gone from our life.

Its been less than 1 month since ah ma is gone. Everything is still in my mind. All the good and bad. I dont like seeing her suffer, it makes me more upset seeing her suffer at this age. I dont care what bad she have done in the past. Its the past. She is my ah ma. I love you so much. No longer can I help her massage her legs nor hands. I miss her so much... This is life. Love it and take it or get away with it.

My Bloody school atachment result will be out next week probably? Hmm, fcuk!

Unforgettable

Its been almost 6 days since my ah ma is gone. And its gonna be 1 year since my grandma was gone. I can barely breathe. I can never forget how both grandmas brought me up. I can never forget the scene that happens duing that 5 days. All the shits are running through my mind/heart. And it really really hurts so much, that I hope I wasnt in this world.

Oh my! How could we ever get this far? How could we settle down? I know my parents hurts so much more than the kids. I cant be that pillar that stand by them. I know how it hurts to lose a mother. I never wish that this kind of things would happen. I really hope both Grandmas is now with grandfather happily enjoying themselves.

Life is very fragile. Cherish them before they're gone.

I love grandmas.

The Past

Now that u're gone..what more can I do? It hurts so much. So much to know that u're suffering. You suffered more than 6 years. My heart sank totally. Though I have already prepared my heart, but that day when I receive my uncle's call I know that my heart is just deceiving me. I couldnt make it when we reach. She was gone on 16Jan 1:10am. Yesterday is her body was cremetated. Grandma is gone. Gone forever. She will not be back. She will not be back to remember who I am. I remember the time when I always went to visit you in Queenstown. I always buy your favourite food from the market below. I always buy fish porridge for you and laksa for myself. You will always look at the laksa I ate, I knew u wanted to eat. But you cant. For the past years, u stop eating. You shift to TUAS. I vist u lesser when each day pass. I couldnt buy ur favourite food, I couldnt hold u to the toilet. I couldnt tell u what the time was. I couldnt massage ur leg. I couldnt sit beside u and talk u. Life is always like a bitch.

2 blows in a year. Hell with life.
I hope both grandmas is doing well. Really well. I love you grandma.

Down

Both gone.. Life is shity. The tune keeps repeating in my mind. Everything keeps running through my mind. I dont know how to stop myself. I dont know how to stop the hurt. I dont know how to console my parents. I dont know how to keep our family going. I know all this hurts so badly.

Grandma..

Since like its yesterday since you're gone. If only I know what I know today. I would hold
you in my arms, I'll take away your pain. Thank you for all you've done. There's nothing
I can do, to hear your voice again. Sometimes, I want to call you, but I know you wouldnt
be there. Im sorry for everything that I've done, I blame myself. Its so hard to even say a
goodbye. Would you tell me I was wrong, are you proud to have me as one of your grand-
children? I will do anything just to have one more chance, to look into your eyes, and yours
into mine. If I could see you one more day, I will tell you how much I miss you since you
were gone. Your heart is always with me.

When you've to look away, when you dont have much to say,
Thats when I love you, I love you just that way.
To hear you stumble when you speak, to see you when you walk,
Thats when I love you, I love you endlessly.
When you're mad be cos we dont listen,
Thats when I love you, I love you anyway.
When you talk to us about the drama you love,
Thats when I love you, I love you more than you know.
The more I learnt, the more I lost, the more my heart cant give enough,
Thats when I love you, I love you no matter what.
When you turn to hide your eyes becos you know you cant make it far,
Thats when I love you, I love you a little more each time.

Grandma, I cant forget you, I miss you, and there's nothing you can change my mine.
I cant say goodbye to you. Be cos I want to see you more each day..

6th April, the day I will never forget at all.

Tomorrow will be 6th Jan 2010. And its the day grandma has been away for 9 months.
6 april, 4 days after my birthday, i receive a very bad present. A present that I will never forget and give away. She pass away on that very day. I want to know how my grandma would me. Will i be happy just to see her for 1 min? I dont think so. Im a very greedy person. I want to see her forever. 1 min is NEVER enough for me. Or should I say for us, the whole TAN family?

9 months..yet I remeber all the things clearly in my mind. Not a single thing missed!

Should I say Im very lucky? Be cos I have my parents with me, be cos I have him, be cos I have everyone to care for. I must always tell myself that grandma is no longer with us, we can no longer see her. She is with THE LORD. She is happy there. She is no longer suffering. She is with grandpa.