Unforgettable

Its been almost 6 days since my ah ma is gone. And its gonna be 1 year since my grandma was gone. I can barely breathe. I can never forget how both grandmas brought me up. I can never forget the scene that happens duing that 5 days. All the shits are running through my mind/heart. And it really really hurts so much, that I hope I wasnt in this world.

Oh my! How could we ever get this far? How could we settle down? I know my parents hurts so much more than the kids. I cant be that pillar that stand by them. I know how it hurts to lose a mother. I never wish that this kind of things would happen. I really hope both Grandmas is now with grandfather happily enjoying themselves.

Life is very fragile. Cherish them before they're gone.

I love grandmas.

The Past

Now that u're gone..what more can I do? It hurts so much. So much to know that u're suffering. You suffered more than 6 years. My heart sank totally. Though I have already prepared my heart, but that day when I receive my uncle's call I know that my heart is just deceiving me. I couldnt make it when we reach. She was gone on 16Jan 1:10am. Yesterday is her body was cremetated. Grandma is gone. Gone forever. She will not be back. She will not be back to remember who I am. I remember the time when I always went to visit you in Queenstown. I always buy your favourite food from the market below. I always buy fish porridge for you and laksa for myself. You will always look at the laksa I ate, I knew u wanted to eat. But you cant. For the past years, u stop eating. You shift to TUAS. I vist u lesser when each day pass. I couldnt buy ur favourite food, I couldnt hold u to the toilet. I couldnt tell u what the time was. I couldnt massage ur leg. I couldnt sit beside u and talk u. Life is always like a bitch.

2 blows in a year. Hell with life.
I hope both grandmas is doing well. Really well. I love you grandma.

Down

Both gone.. Life is shity. The tune keeps repeating in my mind. Everything keeps running through my mind. I dont know how to stop myself. I dont know how to stop the hurt. I dont know how to console my parents. I dont know how to keep our family going. I know all this hurts so badly.

Grandma..

Since like its yesterday since you're gone. If only I know what I know today. I would hold
you in my arms, I'll take away your pain. Thank you for all you've done. There's nothing
I can do, to hear your voice again. Sometimes, I want to call you, but I know you wouldnt
be there. Im sorry for everything that I've done, I blame myself. Its so hard to even say a
goodbye. Would you tell me I was wrong, are you proud to have me as one of your grand-
children? I will do anything just to have one more chance, to look into your eyes, and yours
into mine. If I could see you one more day, I will tell you how much I miss you since you
were gone. Your heart is always with me.

When you've to look away, when you dont have much to say,
Thats when I love you, I love you just that way.
To hear you stumble when you speak, to see you when you walk,
Thats when I love you, I love you endlessly.
When you're mad be cos we dont listen,
Thats when I love you, I love you anyway.
When you talk to us about the drama you love,
Thats when I love you, I love you more than you know.
The more I learnt, the more I lost, the more my heart cant give enough,
Thats when I love you, I love you no matter what.
When you turn to hide your eyes becos you know you cant make it far,
Thats when I love you, I love you a little more each time.

Grandma, I cant forget you, I miss you, and there's nothing you can change my mine.
I cant say goodbye to you. Be cos I want to see you more each day..

6th April, the day I will never forget at all.

Tomorrow will be 6th Jan 2010. And its the day grandma has been away for 9 months.
6 april, 4 days after my birthday, i receive a very bad present. A present that I will never forget and give away. She pass away on that very day. I want to know how my grandma would me. Will i be happy just to see her for 1 min? I dont think so. Im a very greedy person. I want to see her forever. 1 min is NEVER enough for me. Or should I say for us, the whole TAN family?

9 months..yet I remeber all the things clearly in my mind. Not a single thing missed!

Should I say Im very lucky? Be cos I have my parents with me, be cos I have him, be cos I have everyone to care for. I must always tell myself that grandma is no longer with us, we can no longer see her. She is with THE LORD. She is happy there. She is no longer suffering. She is with grandpa.

Drained..

This week has been a bitch week for me! I have 4 tests in a freaking week. And I can barely breath. Today is only wed, and I have 1 more paper to go on fri. How bitch can this be.
I merly slept only 5hrs each day. I dragged myself out to bed every morning. How I wish there is total of 32 hours in a day. 24 hours at night, and 8 hours in the morning. I have been studing like a mad dog, and sleeping like a pig. What can I say? Studying is really not my cup of tea!!

I couldnt wait for my sch 2 weeks break. Though is 2 weeks, but so what. I got to rest, and i couldnt ask for anything more.

I couldnt wait for this weekend, my family gathering, CHALET!! But what can I say, the following Monday I have a test AGAIN! I bad can studying be? Ask me! :)

Have shift back to my house. Things are still left undone. Rooms' cupboard, kitchen cupboard, feature wall, tv console. Shit you, Alan Leow! For such a slow work.

Mom sprain her back while shifting the stuffs back. Dear Lord, please bless mommy to recover faster. Please give her the wisdom to do all things successfully. I love you, dear mom!

4 more months is already a yr since grandma is gone. Its seems like yesterday. Those who had encounter this type of things should know. Its going to be 2010, a new yr without grandma. I must say that our 3 tan family is very brave. We held each other tight, console each other. We know that things have been better of us. Everyone's heart really have a place for grandma. I realise the feeling of missing grandma has become numb. Not in the way that I dont miss her but in a way that when I miss her, that very day will keep appearing in my mind. I rember that day, when its my turn to stroke grandma's forehead..I keep telling grandma "ah ma pls dont go. pls ah ma. give us miricle" I still ask sister to ask the doctor when wil grandma be awake when I know it wont. Ha! What a fool I am. But my words still fail, grandma still pass away. The lord has bring her to a wonderful place where we can no longer see her..

Be cos of you, I have been a whole. Thank you for standing by me. Thank you for enduring my temper =)

God's Will

Sometimes...I jus feel that God is making a fool outta me. I feel good and bad at the same time. Last Sat, went to pray Grandma. Oh man! I miss her so much yet the feeling went numb. Jus be cos, I want to see her so much yet I know its the impossible. Nothing feels right for me whenever i miss grandma. Everything just flashback and i wish so much that time would stop at that moment of time. I feel totally regret how badly i treated her, or i should say i didnt really treasure her. Who knows..that god took her life so early.

Everytime I tried to forget all this memories, it jus stay deep inside my heart. I jus have to find a time and a place to bury all these memories. I love her, and I always will. Whatever I do, i know she stood by me. She gave me everything that i ever wanted. She looked after me like no one have ever does. She was beside me, when everyone stood away. This is how good my grandma is. I will never forget the feeling when I held ur hands walking u to the lift, find ur specs, give u fruits that i specially cut for u, tell mommy to bring u out to eat, dont allow u to sleep my bed.
Ah ma, I regret. Pls forgive me =)